here he stumbles

hahaha whoopsies!

2009-12-23T11:03:00.000-08:00

So, I guess I should have told you guys that I have a new blog! haha

It's here at hrrrvy.tumblr.com

please enjoy!

wow, what a month.

2009-11-28T14:26:00.001-08:00

So it's been exactly a month since I've posted...and what a month it has been. I can't even begin to go into everything on here, I know that's unusual for me but it's just too much. Just know that my relationship with God has grown better by leaps and bounds and I'm learning that the better that relationship is the better He wants it to be. The more He requires out of me. That part is really tough but I'm doin alright.

On a side note, I'm sitting in Sbux on Gferry and I am looking at the guys passing through here and all I can say is "I want to look like that." It's like they're all Fraties or Med students. And somehow working your ass off in med school and paying for it, leaves you room and money to work out and look like a beast at the end of the day. Well there are a lot of guys from Fort Jackson here too... I just feel like my general attitude toward guys most the time now is that I wish I could be as fit as them. I'm a generally healthy guy, I eat a little healthier than the average american but I'm no health freak, and working out...HA, that's a hardy laugh. Since I'm lacking a job, I would love to work out, but alas, I don't have the money to go to the gym and I could work out at home but I really only have time in between classes and Shack stuff.. so I feel as though it could just make me really tired. I don't know but something has got to change because I'm so tired of thinking "I wish..." or "wouldn't it be nice"...I would like to be able to say, "hey, I do look like that." I just feel that right now (and this is kind of crass) my reproductive success level is fairly low. And I know that's not what life is about, obviously I have a great life and am very blessed but as it stands, I would just like to feel a little more "fit" in the Darwin sense and in the physical sense.

Okay, now to read Oedipus The King. Bleh, school is lame.

2009-10-28T21:29:00.000-07:00

I don't know how much you can see of this....but i just have one question....

When did our faith become about numbers and not love?

I see this and ask myself...Would Jesus, the loving passionate son of God, who over turned tables in the temple and ran people out of the temple with a whip of rope, would He really be okay with something called Judgement House...I'm sorry, I think they forgot to put the part where Jesus used scare tactics to save/heal/resurrect/love/forgive people in my bible....oh wait...that's right...He never did that.

And ask me what I think about re dedication sometime.....but make sure you have a minute or 15....

We serve a God of Love, He is a God, a Father, the Groom to our Bride....not an accountant.

bah.

Rain: The sound of Love

2009-10-27T08:36:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting here in my living room,

listening to it..It's a beautiful sound,

it's the sound of God

quenching the earth, comforting his children,

answering their prayers.

It's one of the numerous sounds of love that He offers us,

along with the sounds of our friends laughing,

the sound of loved ones clapping,

and three very simple words.

And sometimes those words are so so hard to say.

And sometimes still, they're the absolute toughest to hear.

They are words of grace, and of mercy, of forgiveness.

They are the words that say so much more.

They say,

I accept you, as you are,

I don't see your flaws, but your perfections,

I don't see your darkness, because I'm blinded by your light.

I embrace your brokenness because I accept your breaking.

I Lived for you, so you can Live for me.

My God, O' God, Help us now.

2009-10-07T21:45:00.000-07:00

Selfish desire, deceit, gossip, apathy, bitterness, cynicism, loneliness.....These are not things that should be found in a church, but yet these are things that my church has found in its self. This makes me want to cry for two reasons, tears of sadness over the fact that we have let things get like this, but more than that, tears of joy that we have noticed it, that we have admitted to these things and that we have taken measures to fix our brokenness....

Joy, Light, Love, Support, Friendship, Forgiveness, Grace, Mercy....these are things that I have experienced tonight....Thank You Lord, You have been with us, and are with us still. I pray that You continue to be with us through all of this and that You guard our hearts from our enemy and that You give us love and grace to pour out on each other and others around us as these hard times end and begin...

"And oh my God, I know you can hear us, we're just tired of changing like seasons, we feel your love, if we could love ourselves, we don't love ourselves..."

Wow..

2009-10-04T08:50:00.000-07:00

I can't believe the roller coaster I'm on right now. I feel like I'm on the road to becoming who I want to be and to getting my crap straight, but I feel like I keep running of track and then running back, and I'm not making a lot of progress. I want to be more consistent, and I think I'm getting there, mainly because of some self realizations, but also because I want to be the person and man and man of God that the amazing people in my life expect and need me to be. And I want to be that person, even more so, because I expect and need myself to be that man.

I read your blog just now, and you did one of those silly things where you talk about people but don't let them know who they are by name, just explanation.....and I wasn't one of those people, and that kind of hurt/broke my heart. And that's not fair to say to you because I've done nothing to be one of those people in your life. But maybe if I had focused on God and you a little bit more in the past couple of weeks then I could have been. Regardless I miss you, and I love you, and I've realized that I want you to be part of my life, as a friend, nothing more, but I need you there as a friend, and I feel like maybe you need me too, and maybe that is arrogant thing to say, but I feel like it could very well be true, because it's been true in the past. I hope it is. I hope I'm right in all of this, and I hope that we can both handle it....

o' the Glory of it all

2009-09-18T18:51:00.000-07:00

I'll never fully understand God's love for me, I say that over and over again, but it's true, and constant. He is, after all, my one and only constant. David Crowder sings this song "Oh The Glory of It All" and in it he says "after all our hands have wrought He forgives" that's so true and so beautiful and so unfathomable to me. I can't go any number of days with out feeling like I have put myself in some pit that He has to reach down and pull me back to the surface. But yet, time after time He does this.

Life is getting more and more complicated, and I'm getting confronted with adult life more and more and it's starting to terrify me, yet I keep looking back to my freshmen year when I was just as afraid to being going to college and taking classes and working. I got through that year with my sanity in tact by taking it a day at a time. Its not that I never looked forward, I just didn't worry as much, I actually focused on not worrying. I paid much more attention to my day to day interactions, got through each day, trying my best to complete all of my duties and live my life as best as possible, and went to sleep hoping and praying that the next day would be as good if not better, and it did get better. It got easier, simpler, easier to handle, to carry, to deal with. God would carry more and more of my burdens at my request, and they were uttered often. I just have to continue asking, and praying, and hoping and having faith. Doing little things like cleaning my room, finding a job, researching papers when I should, going to class.....those help, and I need to not over look them.

I think I just remembered why I started blogging in the first place, it helps me organize my thoughts, put things and order and sift through them. Thank you God. For all of it.

I think I might successfully journal tonight...this is far more exciting to me than it should be.

Have a good night or day to all of you.

In peace and Love.

I need FOOD!

2009-08-15T20:21:00.000-07:00

So, I had quiet times regularly for about a month once...
That's really all I have to say about that.

In related news I remembered a quote from a book tonight that challenges me in uncomparable ways. It's actually the book that I named this blog originally after, and it's where I get my url from too. It's called the perks of being a wallflower. this book changed my life. This is the quote "people accept the love that they think they deserve." it's the most adiquate, appropriate, and applicable statement I've ever read in any book.
This is another quote from another book that thousands of people have read. This book is called The Bible. The quote is "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. This statment is part of what we call the great commision. It's the first part, the second is to love your neighbor as yourself. That second part is what we most focus on, but tonight, the first really stuck out to me, and I realized that it is a very looked over passage because it is so familar to all of us followers of the way. but it is JUST as IMPORTANT as the second...if not more so. After all, we do follow a jealous God. But thankfully He is also very forgiving. Now, back to the original topic: I feel that I never really grasp that who concept of Loving God...I mean, it's not complex, but it's big...really really big.
I think that I'm going to try to grasp this, I'm going to try to Love my God with all of my being; heart, soul, mind, strength..all of it, also I'm going to really try to see and acknowledge my body as temple for the Holy Spirit.... I realize that these are big things, but honestly..I'm tired of milk.

Scripture// love

2009-08-07T07:42:00.001-07:00

What is it about God's word that is so beautiful and at the same time so terrifying. I'm about to go off on this leadership retreat and realize that I have not read a word of scripture in almost a week.
I think it's the Truth that we find in scripture that is so amazing and so fearsome. The truth we find there reveals truths about ourselves. When we read His word and reflect on all God has done, all His work, His creation, and His sacrifices, and even more His promises, it provokes us to reflect on our work, what have we done, what have we sacrificed, how have we lived? And we grow to know and expect this from the Bible, and so sometimes it becomes the hardest book to read, even to open. Because between it's covers is reckoning, truth, freedom, and most fearsome of all, there is love. And Love holds the power to break, humble, reckon, tear down and build up, heal, make us new creations and give us a salvation from ourselves and our enemy. The scripture really is in it's essence: love. But we have to continue look at it as our freedom, even when that freedom comes at the price of personal sacrifice, and the pain of realizing how we have been living.

well

2009-08-02T03:11:00.000-07:00

I was going to pray....
and that didn't work out. now I feel as though it would be pointless, and so maybe now is when I need to more than ever...but it's 6 in the morning, and I feel to tired and conformed to pray. I think I'm going to try anyways. After all, how else will I ever grow into the man that He wants me to be?

Hold my Heart

2009-08-01T17:04:00.000-07:00

One tear in a driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain,
Could the make of the stars,
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One live, is all I am,
Right now I can barely stand,
If You're everything You say You are.
Could you come close and hold my heart

So, Tenth Avenue North could be becoming a favorite if they keep putting out songs that make my heart cry.
I can relate to everything they write. It's weird. because parts of it are cheesey but I don't neven notice that when I'm in my car screaming it at the top of my lungs.
Love is a funny thing.
God, He's a funny guy.
Have a good Sunday readers.

Finding God in Everything.

2009-07-29T19:51:00.000-07:00

I like listening to music while I blog, tonight, it's Swing Low Sweet Chariot and some Plumb

So I had another realization yesterday, after a lot of praying and strife over my job. I came to the conclusion Monday that there is no good side to my job other than the few friends I've made there. I was near tears Monday night, so anxious about going to work the next day, because it's so so extremely discouraging. My manager has this amazing ability to say the simplest things in the most cutting manner, and have no knowledge of how it affects her employees. So after a couple of days verbally abusing her in my mind, and out loud to friends (not her of course), and freaking out about my job, and not looking forward to the next 5 days of work, an talking to my parents, praying, sleeping, and more praying Tuesday morning, I realized that I was being humbled. I felt like Theresa or Which Wich owed me something...or just the greater adult world in general....I don't know, but there was a lot of pride involved, and I've been praying for humbleness and trying to be more aware of my prideful thoughts and humble myself a little too. So I realized that this was God's answer to my prayer....and surprisingly, I was joyful, and thankful. I mean, I had asked after all. I also realized how I was acting wrong in the situation and that is to say I had been holding on to everything she had said to me yet still expected her to not hold on to my mistakes. Who sees the problem with this? I certainly do. So, after those amazing little gifts of discernment from God, I get to work and Theresa isn't there....
She wasn't there today either btw, I think He's giving me time to adjust to this new perspective...and I'm very thankful.
But after work is when the REAL realization came. So I was just thinking about how God is using this job, and how its a sucky job, and how I just didn't know why I had to have THIS job. And then I went full circle and remembered that God was using it, and that knowing this little tid bit of information was how I am going to withstand it until I can find another one. And then...BAM*!*!*!*! it hits me...It's not about finding the good in everything, it's about finding GOD in everything..the quote of mine that Taylor reminded me of on that note of hers....I remembered what it meant. There may not always be good in something, somethings just genuinely suck, but God is using them regardless, He uses all things for His purposes and glory and plan.
so...there it is...interesting huh?

God, please, continue to be a rainfall of leaves in my life. Give us reminders of You, Lord. Amen.

Sacrificial offering of self

2009-07-27T21:09:00.000-07:00

I learned something very important this past Sunday. Kevin taught at the last Summer SNS and he taught about Love. Now, when talking about love you can talk about any number of areas or aspects of it, and Kevin chose to talk more about the counter-intuitiveness of love. How it is not instinctive to us. We are flesh and immersed into the sin nature, therefore it is instinctive for us to think of ourselves and what we want to do, and love has the uncanny ability to make us do things, act in ways or say things that we would not normally do. He also talked about how love requires sacrifice, some may not believe or agree with this, but I could not agree more. So, he talked about how we have to sacrifice to love, and it mad me start thinking about dieing to self, and how it's not so much about dieing to your self and having your desires and wants die, but its about actually sacrificing them. ~~You have to~~ I have to Sacrifice Myself to God, my wants, my desires. I have to put myself last. oy. Application of Faith.....

Reply to Lana

2009-07-18T06:21:00.001-07:00

Hey, my name is Denton. I was a counciler at jr. high camp edisto. I am starting to work with their youth, and i'll be more than willing to give meagan your email the next time I see her.

In other news: Job.
I'm conflicted about my job. I find it extremely discouraging sometimes, but others I can't help but smile. Maybe I just need to look for God more in this. Like I said to taylor like two years ago, It's not about finding good in everything but finding God in everything. His love and Grace and guidence are there, His presence is there, I just need to find it, to see it. I'm also starting to gain more encouragement from my church, and that is helping also. hrm...We'll see I guess.

I am now

2009-07-13T07:49:00.000-07:00

Officially a Phil Wickham fan. Always Forever is an amazing song. Excuse the crappy media shout video, it's not mine.

That thing that we do.

2009-07-12T21:02:00.000-07:00

So, I looked back to the blog I wrote very close to today a year ago, and I was so much more self aware then, far more willing to recongize my faults, and own up to them. I feel as though I've lost myself in pride and complaint, I can see the light coming from above, from the world outside of this hole that I've dug for myself. I'm climbing toward it, but it feels once again, as it did a year ago, that God isn't even listening, that He's dissapointed in me, and I've grown enough in the past year to know that those things aren't true, and that He loves me always, and that I have His grace and forgiveness, and that He hears every word I utter. It just feels like that. Is this enemy, or self? and how often are those the same thing?
I need prayer, I need help, I need confession, I need love. I am loved, I am Loved, I Am Loved. I need to love myself. Will this be my other eternal struggle...self love? God, I beseech You that it is not so.
I'm getting so stressed out about this next year, and I really just need to give it all to God already. He got me through this last one, He'll get me through this one. I'm in need, I'm in Need of You, Lord.

Also, Carole Joy, if you still read this, I love you and I miss you.

Work always like you are working for God.

2009-07-09T06:42:00.001-07:00

I'm quickly running out of steam and enthusiasm for my job, it's losing all fun. I know work isn't for fun, but being a prep guy has actually added stress because marina hasn't been here, so I've been the only prep person for going on two weeks. And it's my second week doing it.
But I know that God will give me strength for this, He already has many times before. I trust that He is by my side.

2009-07-07T21:11:00.000-07:00

Jesus's ministry was where people were,
So we've got to go to where people are.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Also, this song speaks to me.

And this one is just good.

A week ago today

2009-07-02T16:32:00.000-07:00

I was experiencing God in amazing ways, I was praying over young friends I'd made, and was about to endure one of the most difficult trials of my life.
Now, I'm not as lonely as I was, I'm slowly re-integrating myself into the society and community here. I'm aso not doing as well spiritually, but i'm trying to work on that...Hopefully a week with out parents will give me time enough to really focus on God. But that really will only happen if I want it to, and I motivate myself and put effort into it. And I guess that's the hard part about this all, beyond my relationship with God, I don't have anything to push me to be a better follower of Christ. I know that God is all I need, and I shouldn't require anything else to give me that extra push...God, I feel weak Lord. Give me strength to be who You would have me be.

Lonely

2009-06-26T21:01:00.001-07:00

I feel so lonely right now. I've been sleeping in a room with 13 or so other people for a week and my room at home seems so empty. I'm not getting leon to check his sugar, i'm not swimming with new and old friends, yelling at my guys to be quiet and go to bed, or any of the things i've done for the past five nights.
God, I pray, I beg you, take this loneliness from me. Fill me with joy. Forgive me for my wrongs, and please Lord, send me Love and Peace and Rest. Give me peace that my guys are alright, that they are safe and in Your hands. Thank You for all of it. Amen.

Camp Edisto '09

2009-06-26T20:00:00.000-07:00

This has once again been one of the best weeks of my life, and will be the best week of 2009 for me.
There are 7 guys who I owe a great deal to. They along with others from camp and returned my to a place where I feel secure in my relationship with God and I feel Honored and Blessed for it. They taught me more about being a Man of God in a week than I taught myself in this last year. I gained strength and courage from God through these boys. John John, Leon, Adam, Justin, Josh, Jake, and Devon, I will pray for you as long as God sees fit to keep you on my heart and mind. I thank each and every one of these guys, for they have led me home.
I am going to Call Dutch Fork Christian Church this weekend or this next week and talk to them about helping out with their youth. Please Pray me about this, organized churches scare me.

Fight for your (eternal) life.

2009-06-07T20:23:00.001-07:00

First off, I want to say thank you to all those who've been praying for me, it has helped without a doubt. This past week got progressively easier every day and it was all thanks to God and you guys for asking on behalf of me. So once again, Thank You, and please continue the prayers.
Also, let me know if there is anyways to repay you in like, any way I can pray for you.

I've been feeling lately that I want to fight. It's been in my bones, its made me moody and snappy. And there are some fights that are going to happen soon because they need to, not because I want them too. But I realized tonight after Shack (which was amazing), on the drive home, that I've been wanting to fight so much because I've stopped fighting. I have stopped fighting for myself, my life, my relationship with God. I basically was confronted by a force I was too lazy to contest and let it all slip through my fingers. I remembered tonight that we are in a constant fight for our lives, we're fighting the world, flesh, sinful nature, for ourselves. It's constantly invading our territory and when we stop fighting, we gain a massive desire to do so. Especially as men, we're made for fighting, genetically and spiritually, we are suppose to be fighters, we are suppose to be fighting.
I've let my borders slip, I've let my defenses down, taken off the armor, and lain down with my throat exposed. Ready to give up and die. This was, of course, a process, gradual. It started a little bit at a time and eventually I ended up mad at myself and depressed due to my lack of control and strength. My weakness stronger than myself.
This is time for it to stop. This is the time that I need to choose who I'm going to be and what path I'm going to take, it's all gone on far to long, and I've let myself be used too much and for too long. I'm losing who I am. And I am more ME when I am His.
So, if you would, help me fight.

Hardest job I've ever worked

2009-06-03T22:27:00.000-07:00

I just got home from work. It's 1:27, i got off roughly around 1.....
Day shift hasn't done even half of their duties all week, and night shift has had to pick up the slack, at the expence of our time. And Marina only had one fuctional leg today due to her surgery, and theresa decided that she only needed to schedule Marina and me to work....so closing took three freaking hours, mainly because we had 3 pans or more of meat to role that day shift didn't do, and we've been really really busy at night this week, tonight we had steady customers from 5 to 9..... I've never actually had this bad of a time closing before, the past two days has sucked.
I love this job, and the people I work with, they are all amazing and lovely, but this is getting to be a lot more than I may be able to handle. So those of you who are reading this, please please please pray for us all at Which Wich, and pray that I will have the strength to stick it out, and that Theresa (my manager) will have her heart softened by God, and that she wont judge our closing too harshly. Please Please pray.

Job update

2009-05-27T09:27:00.000-07:00

So, I worked with my manager who I thought was completely crazy last night. And she is, completely, but she's not mean, she can be rough and when she's in a mood, nothing anyone does is right. But last night was a really fun night for me at work, and I worked with this kid mitch, and it was really fun and we ended up talking after work for like an hour. I had prayed all day long yesterday and God answered with astounding results. I love Him, and there's no doubt that He loves me.
I also have been struggling with a lot lately, and in fighting against it all, I realized that I was losing my relationship with God because of all of this stuff I have been struggling with. Realizing that freaked me out, and I started going double time to fix things and repent, ask for my debt to be forgiven and just get my heart/mind where they should be. And in doing this, I realized that I can't exist with out God. Nothing is strong with out Him. I am not strong without Him. In short, I do want Him, without a doubt, I want Him in all that I do. Because without Him, all that I do goes to hell. Yesterday went so perfectly, that I can't help but realize the difference He made in it. I don't know how to end this, I'll prob. end up writing another blog today though

Which job?

2009-05-23T19:58:00.000-07:00

So, I have this new job. And I may or may not hate it. And equally I may or maynot like it more than my last job. It was only my third night tonight and I got off early, but I do nothing but bust my ass the whole time I'm there, and I'm a pansy and it wears me out. Phisically it's exhausting and mentally it's exausting. Between working non-stop and being on my feet the whole time, learning how things work and what goes where and in what and how much of what to do what with and why this is all done, I feel as though I'm not going to learn it all, and will just suck at this and end up getting fired. I mean my crazy manager just fired someone who was an amazing employee because he called in sick and she didn't believe he was sick. So yeah....I"m just tired and feel like dying. And since I got this job I have barely talked to God at all. I feel like I'm trying to fit 48 hours in to every day and eventually my world is going to expload.
As you can see, I'm pretty frustrated, and I don't know why, but I need to calm down before I give myself a heart attack. Please pray that I get my crap under control.
Thank you.

Books

2009-05-20T08:51:00.000-07:00

So, I went to buy those books yesterday and realized that no one had them. I was confused, but then I realized that books aren't going to help me know if I want God. They're not even meant for that. The only way I'm going to figure out if I want God is by finding out who He is, and if I want a part of that. Scripture is going to give me that, not Rob Bell or Donald Miller nor the late C.S. Lewis. The only book that will tell me about Him is the one that He wrote. And how else do you get to know someone? You talk to them. So, Today, I start talking to God again. Not just praying and asking, but talking...asking questions not favors, telling Him about myself, and talking to other people about Him, asking who He is to Them. This seems juvenile to me, like I should be past doing this, I sound like I'm trying to figure out if I believe in God or not, but I know I believe in Him, I just don't know if I want Him.
Also, I have an Interview today, and I'm hoping He'll help me...I'm very fickle with Him....I hope He doesn't mind.

2009-05-19T12:35:00.001-07:00

Today,
I realized that I dont know if I want God. I know I need Him, I know He is there, I know that He is good and glorious, and most importantly Real.
And I realized also that God-wants-me. I know He loves me, I know that He wants me, and that all He is doing, He is doing for me.
But I have to decide if I-want-Him. And that's going to be very difficult. I know what the answer should be, and I know what I want it to be, but I'm not going to give myself the Sunday School answer here. So, I'll probably be doing a lot of blogging from here on out, so for those of you who read this, I hope you'll be along for the ride.
Now, to go buy Sex God by Rob Bell and maybe Searching For God Knows What by Donald Miller in hopes that these books will help.

I just need a little bit of Hope, just a little bit.

2009-05-15T21:27:00.000-07:00

I need hope.
I need hope in my life, that I wont end up alone, that I will actually make somthing of myself, that I wont end up like this at the end of it all. I need to know that someone is there for me.
I need hope that my bestfriend will eventually pick up her phone, that my life will stop spinning, and that I wont be stuck here forever.
I need hope in people again, I need hope in my friends, in God, in church and community, in my art, in myself, in love and in trust. I need hope that my family will stop fighting and start loving. I need hope that I'll eventually help someone, that I will count for somthing at the end of the road.
I need hope in tomorrow. I need hope in today.

Trails forsaken

2009-05-13T19:17:00.000-07:00

"My heart beating faster and faster, my breathing following the same trend, My feet pounding the ground, evading the rocks and pot holes trying to make me fall. My arms pumping and reaching out for balance and hand holds, fingers bloodied and bruised. Dodging around trees, branches reaching out to pull me back, watching for roots who'd rather I broke my leg or neck than reach the summit, much less the otherside. Years, decades of leaves piled up, stealing my traction like theives after diamonds. All of nature, flesh, the here and now binding together with one goal in mind: Pulling me back, Keeping me here, Making this Valley my home, literally where my heart is. This slope, this steep mountain side is generations old, built up by the sins of the fathers, the ignored, over looked, hushed up, never discussed, blocked out, festering sins. This is my greatest fear, threat, danger, and opponent, and will be my greatest triumph. And still when that victory is made, it will have naught to do with me."

Church

2009-05-06T14:53:00.000-07:00

What kind of church are we?
Last I heard it was as close to the church of Acts as we could get. We were authentic, we did not act like most churches, nor did we follow the trends that were seen in main stream churches, especially not the kind that need 20 associate pastors. We were not fond of elaborate structure and cared about helping people, whether that entailed our own brothers and sisters or the ones that came in through our battered door for the first time. We wanted to have fun doing the simple things and enjoying the beauty God has given us, through music, food,trips, and fellowship. We asked awkward questions and we waited until we received the awkward and honest answers. We admitted weaknesses and faults, we fessed up our desires and our wants, and never felt judged or lesser because of those things.
Are we still that church, am I helping us to be that? I believe that that is the church we are still meant to be, because I honestly feel as though it was the core of what our community was built on. Honestly, simplicity, community, and love. Those were what we strove for, and if we failed, we tried again.
I don't know if that's still us, but I can't see it. And still this may be a fault of mine, I honestly can't say, but something needs to change, I'm willing to help in that, just tell me how.

Glorious.

2009-04-30T06:19:00.000-07:00

I have a math final in 70 minutes, and i'm terrified that I wont pass it, but I'm also confident in a God that has me in His arms, what ever grade I make, and who may actually help me make a decent grade.
I opened my front door this morning and was rushed by a flood of sun warmed air and then I opened the storm door and all I could smell for a minute was wet/drying earth. It smelled amazing. That smell has kind of made my day, and I know who it came from.

Memories are not easily realized

2009-04-28T13:03:00.000-07:00

I miss my innocence, my idealism, I miss the days when I could say "I wont do that again" and it held true. I miss days when I was closer to God and it seemed like less of a challenge to be that way. I miss most of all a purer mind and heart and body than I now have.
I like Laura, love writing. It does make me feel better, and it helps me express in a much more eloquent manner.
I also miss when I could yell insanely to my friends about my problems and have them yell back in return. When those problems were all things that I could yell about.
I miss yelling, and the bridge, and a quiet cool, familiar coffee house off of east main.
Honestly, I can't do a whole hell of a lot about most of these things, but some I can. And I plan to.

Good days

2009-04-26T20:05:00.000-07:00

So, I spent the weekend in Savannah,Ga and went to the Sidewalk Chalk Art Festival at SCAD, it was amazing. I talked a good bit with Tyler and it was really really good. We talked for like 2 hours last night about a million things.
Tonight, Shack was amazing, I had a difficult time at first, I couldn't focus. But I basically just prayed it out and then got really into worship and had a great time, it just filled me up with joy. Dan's teaching was really great, and surprisingly on point for me.
Driving to Shane and Hugo's was amazing, I went to Sbux and had my windows down with a warm breeze that carried jasmine and honeysuckle the whole drive. God is Glorious.
His arms are tight around me tonight.

In Full View.

2009-04-07T11:55:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted much in a while. It's because life has just been at a place that I would not have really taken joy in writing about. Slowly though, it's been picking up, there are still some spots that I need help in and need to be more pro-active in, but it'll never be perfect. And for all those little spots, I'm trying my hardest to remember to ask God about them/for help in them. Pride, I have come to realize, can be a sickness. I'm trying to find the Antibody.
Jason, Laura, and Kyle are doing this side project now, it's pretty epic. www.myspace.com/thevalleythemount . go and listen.
In other news, I'm pretty certain that I know what I'm going to get for my tattoo. It goes like this :Made In The Image Of Love. I want it in script. And in wanting this I have kind of thrown myself into the pursuit of finding out/knowing/accepting what this statement means. This is a statement of my own invention. And here is the logic that led me to make this statement: God is Love, We are Created in His image, We are able to love because He has loved us first, Being made in His image is what lets us Love. Therefore we are made in the image of love.
This is what I have made of it since: God is Love, We are Created in His image, We are able to love because He has Loved us first, We were Created purely to love, as in we were created purely for Him to Love us, His love is made complete in us. That is how we are made in the image of Love.
"We were Created purely to love, as in we were created purely for Him to Love us."
This is a conclusion that I came to last night while driving home from Guys Group. I was just telling God how silly and ridiculous it was for Him to Love me, we have this conversation a lot, God and I. And I started to say how He loves me unconditionally and illogically and stupidly and no matter what I do, because He Doesn't love me for anything that I DO. His love for me has nothing to do with what I have or have not done. It's always there and will always be there and always has been there. He loves me because that's what I was created for. He did not create me to just worship and love Him, He created me so that He could Love me. He created everyone so that He could poor out His unconditional and illogical, Greater, Agape Love on to us. And that's it. You ask why we exist, that is the closest answer I can come to. And that's why our greatest commandment is to Love Him and our second greatest commandment is to Love others. We should Love them because He created them for that purpose. If they are good enough for Him to love, then what makes us so damn special that we should not love them just as irrationally and irrevocably. This revelations is presently blowing my mind, and may just be what I need to really understand that I am Loved and just HOW Loved I am.
God, You love us....and oh, how You Love us.

Honnor thy mother and father.

2009-03-18T00:02:00.000-07:00

I just spent like three hours or more talking to my mom. She's scared to death she wont get up in the morning. It was amazing. We learned so much about eachother, and have started to understand eachother so much more. Our relationship is being challenged but growing, it's a tough experience to learn to see your parents in a new light, but one that is ultimately rewarding I think. So I just thank God for this conversation, and for my entire day that He has led me through. It's been amazing.

my friends,

2009-03-13T12:15:00.000-07:00

I am at an edge.
The edge of somthing deep and unknown. I can feel the power down below, like heat rising from a furnace, warm and gentle on my face. Welcoming, beckoning. But I know that jumping will break me. I don't mean, the fall, I mean the jump. The act of throwing my self from the stability under me, the superficial steadiness of control, into the willing arms of You will break me body and soul. And even though I know that I will be put back together as a better man than I am now by Your able hands, I'm terrified. Dependence is not somthing I'm good at. Because I like to draw my validation from lesser things than You and Your love. You're asking me to jump, but not willing to push me. You want me to project myself off of my false sense of security, for my own will to take my heels off the ground, and into.......You.
Will You hold my hand? Will You lead them? Will I? Can I?
You want me to know that I'm good enough. That I'm worth what You want, what You have to give me. How can I believe that? What makes me an heir? What made You love me?

I think i'm ready Lord, but who am I to know?

2009-03-07T20:58:00.000-08:00

It seems as though You have so much planned for this week....

This was the begining of a drafted post that I was going to type on saturday night.
I had no clue what I was in for. I've experienced things this past for days that I never thought I would. I've been more spiritually stretched, sharpended, and made aware then I had previously thought possible. I have a love for the people in my church that is making me go insane. I didn't actually know my own heart could be this encompassing. I've prayed, thought, cried, sang, and laughed to the Lord to extents that still confound me and make me wonder if I'll wake up tomorrow and it'll be sunday morning, and i'll be leaving to go to asheville then.
I've climbed a mountain and soared throught valleys. I'll never be the same person leaving a shack retreat as I was going into it. That much, I have learned.

The Lord is gracious and slow to anger.
He is rich in Love, He is good to all

Ashes, ashes, we all fall down

2009-03-07T06:54:00.001-08:00

I am very upset with The Watchmen. They made that movie in to an overly sensationalized parody of what it should have been. The Watchmen, in the comic, are above that crap, they are trying to fight against all of those things. I'm disappointed that I no longer feel safe taking a girl to see a movie. I'm upset that I don't feel okay watching an entire movie....I feel as though I would be damaging myself to watch an entire movie above Pixar level......

However, I'm reveling in the day God has brought. It's amazing, suppose to get up to 80. It's just windy enough too. I mean, i'm going to be working during most of it but i'm okay with that. And I'm just praying that it contiues to go until sunday at least.
Thank you, Lord, for the trip that I'm about to take! Thank you, for the job I'm about to go to.

Worship punching bag?

2009-03-02T17:56:00.000-08:00

No, I don't mean worshiping a punching bag, I mean, worship as a punching bag.
Tell me if I'm being heretical here...
So, I didn't get my quiet time today...I was slack. So I was really frustrated, and council didn't help, it wasn't bad, it just felt weird to me tonight. Driving was rediculous, and parking was worse, and as a side note, I'd like greek lyfe a lot more if it's members didn't feel the need to try to kill me three times a night with their cars. Anyways, so I was driving home and I was barely containing the urge to go about 70 down knox abbot, but decided (or was lead to) turn on the radio instead, it was on WMHK, and a song that we sing at Shack was on so I left it there, and the next song wasn't really anything special, just loud with a lot of very loud vocal parts, so I sang along, in my beautiful broken voice that God alone enjoys, and vented all my frustrations out through that, and it was like I was giving it all to Him with out meaning to, or I guess doing it in a more formal way... it was a lot like I was hitting a punching bag, or driving really fast or somthing to that affect...it realxed me and calmed me down a lot...
So, thoughts?

Freedom for Freedom's sake.

2009-02-24T12:06:00.000-08:00

In all my brokenness,
and for all the self-deprecation
and all the hate that is in me,
I will find Grace,
I will accept Grace, and I will pour out Grace,
in spite of my cynicism.

I will not be oppressed,
I will be free, I am free,
and I am so for freedom's sake.
Just as I am God's, I am free.

Free to Live,
Free to laugh,
And free to be
Free to enjoy God,
Enjoy Glory
Enjoy Grace
Rejoice in the One who,
Rejoices in me.

Rejoice
for the Lord is here
Here with me,
With you,
With us
In us.

In Him,
remember,
we are free,
yes you are free,
yes, yes we,
we are free.

Sirence is Golden

2009-02-18T08:23:00.003-08:00

I have had the joy of having quiet time for the past three days in a row. This is really big for me, I wasn't every really a "quiet time" aka "conventional methods of faith" kind of person, especially when I started going to The Shack. But I guess God has changed my heart, and continues to do so. Having finally realized what I need to be doing, and actually doing it this time, I've finally gotten thursdays off for House Church. This is amazing and i'm so excited!

And aside from that benifit, I've had a lot more peace lately, and have just felt a lot better in general...

ps. if you haven't heard The Everybodyfields you shou.

Growth?

2009-02-16T07:48:00.001-08:00

So, I think that I've kinda hit another notch in my spiritual growth, and I know phrasing it that way sounds as though i'm trivializing it but i'm not. And if God lets people know when this happens i apparently miss it. How I end up knowing is that my old routine of worship/prayer/scripture doesn't fill me like it use to, and then it hits me! "oh, God requires more from me now, I need to move on to more solid food" and just like everything else about our relationship He has to push me into it. I hope He sees me as comical...

And I think this is one of the reasons that I haven't been getting off work to go to Rio, it's because He is requireing more from me in my daily pursuance of Him. Because otherwise Rio is where I mainly pursue God, and I guess I need to step up my game. Which I can do, and am going to do right now.

Thanks for reading!

If I had made a list of the things I needed most tonight,

2009-02-02T20:08:00.001-08:00

It would have been,
a wonderful book
a cd
cookies
a highlighter
a pack of gum
a bandaid
a pencil
a bar of soap
koolaid mix
all with encouraging verses of scripture,
and an encouraging letter telling me all the things I needed to hear.
in short: mencouragement; a bag of goods showing the love that I've always known was there, but am still glad to recieve none the less.
I haven't listened to the CD yet, I'm afraid I'm going to get emotional, and while I'm not afraid of geting emotional, I'd rather do it alone in my room. with out witnesses.
So Thank you girls of the Shack. You've no idea of the blessing you are and how much I needed this tonight. You may have just saved me from myself. (not in a suicide way, but in a self depricating way.) So once agian thank you, and I promise you all that it will be returned in short.

I'm suprised I'm still alive.

2009-01-31T21:23:00.000-08:00

I was up till 4:30 last night b/c I had to babysit drunk people, or well,...a person. And I don't mind at all, he's a wonderful guy I love to death, but stil... I had to get up at 9:30 to go do landscaping stuff, Got there at 11, didn't get home till 1:30, ate, slept for litterally 20 minutes, showered, and then went to work, where I have been for the last eight hours. my day has been 15 hours long, with 11 hours of work, and on 5 hours of sleep.
I think that we can all just trust that God is the only reason I am still living, even though if you saw me right now, you might disagree with me about that whole alive thing.
AND! because of blue laws I couldn't buy a razor to shave with before church tomorrow...that's irony, son.
Prayer, Sleep, Church, Paper, maybe Shack. That is as far as my life planning goes right now...i'll worry about the job and kids tomorrow.

A fool looks at a finger that points to the sky

2009-01-23T21:51:00.000-08:00

Oh, how that phrase depicts my life. If only. If only I would always look to the sky.
Sometimes though, I stare at that finger a mighty long time.
And so does she.
And so does he.
When we should all be looking at Him.

Could I really be becoming less selfish? Could I care about someone enough to put in the work? We'll see I guess....

Pace your self
your tired body's
Gonna let go
Before you reach the end.

Oh God, my God

2009-01-15T15:25:00.000-08:00

Where have you been?

I'm pretty sure that this is the second time i've had that title in a relatively short amount of time. But i guess the situation I'm in is much the same again.
1: I'm continually suprised/impressed/proud of (in that order) how much my church prays. We pray before we worship, we pray while we worship, we pray after we worship, we pray after that prayer, we pray before/during/after communion/worship. and close it all out with a prayer. that's 1..2..3...4..5..6...7..8 times or somthing in a 2 hour period. Like legitiment praye in 2 hours...crazy.
2: I had one of the best realiztions of my entire existence to date last night. It is very long and has to do with how Jesus dying opened up for us the ability to feel the Most High Place (the big one in Heaven) via the Holly Spirit.
And how much I have taken God/Jesus/Holy Spirit for granted.
So, I've kinda loved the past three days of my life.. despite the rediculous amount of school work i have right now...
b/c "this too shall pass". I met a girl today and that was her motto...hmm.

why I felt like a burden.

2008-12-30T13:19:00.000-08:00

Friday night/saturday morning I got in another wreck. I got t-boned b/c I pulled out infront of a car. It was retarded, my fault, and is going to cost everyone a lot of money. Any one know how many points you get on your licence before it gets taken away?
So, I'm pulling out of the Wired Bean parking lot, I check left right and left again, the light was red. I looked behind me to make sure a friend was going to be following me to IHOP for coffe, he was. I glanced left again(stupid of me, b/c i didn't look well enough) and it was really really foggy, therefore I didn't see that the light had turned green or that there was an SUV going about 45 comeing straight at me. I let off the break and look and saw said SUV heading straight towards me, as in my self, body, not just car. They swerved I slamed on my breaks, and both of our cars slid. mine slid foward, theirs slid into mine. It tore my bumper off, bent my hood and my grill busted my radiator and i couldn't park my car. They got by with much less damage. They also had a baby in the car. It's going to cost me a 250 deductable about 200 dollars in towing, and will make my insurance go over 2400 a year. also another 2 points on my licence. And thats if they don't show up to court. Therefore I feel bad b/c i A: could have been seriously hurt and B: am costing my parents and myself a lot of money. 5 points for me right?
I feel a lot better than i did three days ago, but it's still got me a little down. Just pray that I can deal with this.
I love all of you.

Operating in structions for the Manual You gave us please.

2008-12-22T21:28:00.000-08:00

Pursuance:1. The act of pursuing or prosecuting; a following out or after.
Pursue: 4. to proceed in accordance with
wow.
So i need to proceed in accordance with You.
hm...ie. obey. ie. get over myself.
Okay..I can do this....I can do this.....
Can't I? Yes! yes I can, but will I?
well, I've got to decide that for myself don't I?
Take It up daily. Pursue, choose, live, obey. daily.
here we go.

Take it in.

2008-12-19T21:54:00.000-08:00

No matter how many people's lives it ruins, it just wont stop will it?
Am I actually damned to having people around me who I have to watch deteriorate due to smoking pot?
I seriously thought it would stop after highschool. I was very wrong. We deserve better than this, they deserve better. If only they could see it....
So take another hit boy,
Take it in, take it in.

It's 2 am and we still have much to discuss

2008-12-13T06:38:00.000-08:00

Sitting on the porch, I asked God to guide the conversation. One simple request that I used to utter daily, every I talked with someone. One I haven't asked in months. Hours later, we were both elated and I felt as if I was walking into the front door to my childhood home with a brother in tow. We discussed our hard hearts, we discussed our selfishness, bitterness, our stupidity in wondering where God was and if it was all worth it. Of course, He was with us, and it's worth more than we deserve. I was given discernment and was spoken through, and on the ride home, I rejoiced like I had never experienced. I gave glory to God, yelled screamed and cried my love and thankfulness.
I am home, I am home.
Thank You God, You have brought us home.

tssskt tsssskt tssssskt

2008-12-12T00:20:00.001-08:00

What's that I hear, Iron Sharpening Iron? Oh YEAH!
Lord, I cannot, shall not escape you. You have brought me home, and your prodigal son repents.
Love is a word I cannot fathom when it is in reference to You.
Thank You for that God.
Thank You, Thank You
Thank You.
You have brought Your children home.

Proverbs 27:17

2008-12-05T12:42:00.000-08:00

I am not sharpening, nor do I feel I am being sharpened. I really hadn't been looking for either up until this moment, but now I realize how dull I've grown. I guess that happens when you beat your head against a wall..which is essentially what i've been doing.
I pray that this break will bring a renewing of sorts, or at the very least a brokenness that leads a desire for God to take control back.
more later....

broken broken broken broken

2008-11-30T13:28:00.000-08:00

Fix me.

Can I actually ask this? Is this what I seek? Is this the door I want to knock on? I ask these questions not because I don't know if He'll be okay with it, but because I don't know if it's what I want. Before I do ask for God to fix me, I have to be able to answer all of those questions with a resounding YES!

I know that I will be answered, I will find, and that door WILL open. If I don't want those things, than it's wasted breathe and dishonesty.

Love love love love LOVE.

I need to be sure and willing. My heart has to be asking louder than my brain or mouth.

I think it is.

Where are we?

2008-11-19T20:03:00.000-08:00

what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to form
crop circles in the carpet
sinking feeling

So, yesterday started great. I cleaned my room, lounged a bit, ate, left and got my hair cut.
I was going to go see Grayson and Mel, hear some new songs and such, it felt like it was gonna be a really fun great day.
Then I rear ended a car.
I luckly swerved so the side panels got almost all the damage, and only two pieces on each car will need to be replaced, both relativly small, but sill over a thousand dollars in damages. I'm fine, so are the other people, they were even really nice. Their car is driveable, mine isn't. I got a ticket but the really nice cop said that they prob. wouldn't show up to court, so the charge+points+fine will be dropped. Let's pray that this happens.
I'm also sick. Woo.
I'm freaking tired of 08, and can't wait for it to be over, but this is my fault, not the year's, not God's, not anyone's but mine. Life sucks and then you die, Heaven is hopefully the next part in that sequence.
I wish i could listen to Imogen Heap tonight. it would help me sleep a lot.
<3 size="2">spin me round again
and rub my eyes,this can't be happening
when busy streets amass with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy

Eventually

2008-11-17T07:29:00.000-08:00

I'll come back.
I'll remember Truth, Joy, Happiness.
Actually, I'll feel them again. I remember them clearly, it's what keeps me going.
Lord, Lord, bend my knee to You. Soften my Heart, b/c I haven't been obeying, and it's getting hardened more and more every day. I need You to start chiping away at it.
But, alas, I am still thankful, I am glad, and these things are of You, King. You're not going anywhere, I know, but I'm still eager to get back to You. My heart aches in Your direction and my steps are leading me toward You. I'll turn my face to You, soon and very soon.

Cold

2008-11-07T09:22:00.000-08:00

I need to be cold.

Cold=Clarity for me. I have no clue why that is, but I need clarity bad.

I feel like I'm foggy, like my life is foggy, and it is, it's foggy and dirty with sin, my sin that I am commiting and need to stop.

I need spiritual windex...anyone got some of that? I'll prob just have to make it myself.

satan my be tempting me, but I am following, he may be stealin my joy, but I am letting him.

Yet He is greater, and gives me joy, and delivers me...but only if I let Him, if I want Him too.

Lesson of the day: Want God to save me.

Easy...right?

Nope, but I'll get there.

I use to love this town

2008-11-01T18:56:00.000-07:00

I use to play with both feet on the ground

There's a friend of mine who deals with grace rather poorly. As in that he can't really accept it, from God or others.
This friend has also taught me more about grace than almost any other person I know. He's taught me how to use grace, how to have grace with others, particularly because I've had to use a lot of grace with him, but regardless I've learned more from him than he'll ever guess. Unless I tell him, and I might.
It's funny how the people in your life who lack in thses kinds of things can teach you the most.

Now, if I could just slow myself down enough to have some time with God. I feel like I'm constantly moving and thinking and stressing. I need to sit outside, on my porch while it's raining and just, give in to Him, let my dams be washed away and my heart be clensed.
I desperately need to recognize my mess, realize that I am still a broken person, and I still go to a church for people like me. A free flowing water-like church.

Accept, release, live rejoice.

Happy Halloween?

2008-10-31T08:14:00.001-07:00

Bah.

i'm a blog flake, but i'm not the only one so we're good.

I've frankly been too busy to read or write any.
I've found some verses that I love and think really apply to me, Ecclesiasties 11:9-10

Go read them, astounding..if you're a young man. like myself.

Also, somthing was revealed to me last night, either by God (most likely) or my common sense (not so likely) but I don't want to be one to assume. Regardless it's good.

Satan Hates me.

And that's basically it. But I'll elaborate.

he wants to see me unhappy, sad, and defeated. Any road or path that I am led down by him is directly away from God, and not only that, but all that I love or that makes me happy and brings lasting Joy into my life. I realized that this is a simple thought and one I should have grasp much earlier on in my faith, especially how much the southern baptist dogma was beat into me as a young christian. But it didn't really strike me until last night. Satan is not just wanting me to have a good time, and not listen to God, it's not that plain or simple. he wants me to fall away from God, love, happiness. It's not that he just doesn't want me to win, to end up in heaven, he wants me to lose. Wants me to fall in to utter darkness and un-truth, to lose my sense of self and morality and forget what joy ever was. I am hated by him because I am Man, I am part of God's chosen creation, made in His image, and loved unfailingly and allowed redemption.

I am Denton, a Child of God, a Son of God, a status that was ascribed by Grace and Mercy, that cannot be taken away.

This made sin seem even less tempting, made my temptations seem more like traps. I thank God that I was shown this.

Purity is not restricting, it is more freeing than anything else.

It's one...i just woke up.

2008-10-27T10:06:00.001-07:00

Up hill battle isn't quite right...it's like i'm running up hill, and i just keep picking up the biggest rocks and tying them to myself.
And i really just need to kick myself in the ass...

I've been catchin all your ghost for every season

2008-10-22T03:41:00.000-07:00

I pray to God that you wont come back here any more.

Do you pray with Him too?

I will never understand what Love truly is, beyond that it is God, or rather that He is it. It is because of that fact that I believe I'll never truly, fully understand it. If I did, if I was able to, than it would be to know what/who God is. It would be to understand God. A god you understand is not a god. So is a love that you understand not love? or just not unconditional love. Becuase i don't think i'll ever beable to understand unconditional love, because it's not really somthing i'm good at.

That being said, I think i'm begining to understand it enough to love myself.

I wish that I had known you were bleeding

While I sat and watched you reading with the Lord

I read with Him, too.

Perfect Love for a beloved child.

2008-10-13T20:00:00.000-07:00

So, on another blog, my friend referenced God calling her name. Saying that He would call her Beloved, and Child.

I pray that You call me that some day. Lord, I want to run, fly, into You. I want to hear you call Your church Beloved. I want You to call me Child.
I, more so, want to feel worthy of that name.

You take care, You answer when I ask, You show me when I seek.

we're yelling, "someone's got the answers,

2008-10-12T11:28:00.000-07:00

but I'd rather think there's nothing to be found

I've had almost a week with out my parents..i've gone places, i've hung out, and i still was responsible...
I'm 19, it's not a suprise to me that i can do these things, nor is it a suprise to them. So why do i still have to spend so much time at my house?
They're one their way back right now, and i have mixed feelings. I miss them, so i'm glad i'll get to see them..but i know that after they're here i'm going to miss my freedom.
Bah.
oh well...we'll just see how it goes.
I hung out with a really astounding girl named Whitney for like 10 hours yesterday. she's really awesome. We talked for four hours and barely noticed it. I'm getting to realize just how amazing my church/family is. I'm looking forward to more of this.
Thank you God. Thank you for giving me these people.

because if seeing is believing,then believe that we have lost our eyes

I could run away

2008-10-10T14:03:00.000-07:00

and You'd never leave
You'll always be
Right by my side
Right by my side
Right by my side

I've been running, in the figurative sense. Running away from responsibility, from commitments, from God. I've wanted intimacy that i could physically feel. I wanted to be close to someone, to hear someone tell me how wonderful i was and that i satisfied them. I didn't want to have to say it back. I didn't want someone to be close to, i wanted someone to be close to me. Why? I don't know. In trying to control my Pride and tendency to judge people i lost track of my selfishness. It got pretty bad, and i started feeling horrible about it because i had people telling me what a great job i was doing at Shack and that I've grown so much. And I have, I know I have and I can tell, but it doesn't change the fact that I felt like crap upon hearing these things because I knew where I was in my heart and walk with God, which was running for the fastest physical comfort...fortunately I have a Gracious God who is slow to anger and so so so good to me. Unfortunately however, I didn't want that. I never found that comfort, so I kept running...No I didn't completely run off the path, I didn't even run back down to where I came from..I basically just ran in place. Did I completely screw up? No, did i try my hardest too? Yes.
I realized all of this last night around...say...4 in the morning. And I'm sorry...who am I apologizing to? No idea, I guess you if I've been anything less than the face of Christ to you. To God also..but Him and I have talked that out already.
This is where I'm at, this is why I've been so silent on here, and now I move on. And pick up Blue Like Jazz again.

Everything I've ever wanted,
I have found in You.

You are the Light of the World.

What is family?

2008-09-24T19:52:00.001-07:00

There are some people that you'll always forgive. a million times. usually these people are family, but every now and then you find someone who isn't.
I have found one of these people in my life. No matter how much it hurts me to care and love for this person. I feel like i'll die from this forgivness, like this grace is hurting me more than anything. Because as much as i know that i'm suppose to forgive and practice grace, i'd love nothing more than to just scream, to cry, and to force them to feel everything they'd ever made me feel.
The love, the pain, the anger, and freedom. If anything so that they would completely understand how much i love them. that i'd rather die from this, have my heart literally broken, than see them alone, or go down the path they are on.
I need prayer now more than i've needed it in a while. so those of you who read this, please pray for me to have strength and grace and courage. Because i have to get through this, i have to beable to DO something, if i don't, or can't, i'm not sure how i'm going to stay sane.

I'll prove you wrong, I'll prove myself wrong

2008-09-08T10:57:00.000-07:00

I almost have worship actually in the bag.
I walked/jogged for 30 minutes today, due to lack in time.
I'm hanging out with my bestfriend.
God is making me enough, He's giving me what I need to do what I have to.
I lost faith in Him and His ability to do that,...and then i got stressed out...huh, wonder why?
God is using me, I think. If i'm right about this, i could be saving a friend from a lot of heart ache.
I have to get over myself in some areas, and realize that i can't take people that i love away to a safe place and shelter them forever, even if its from themselves.
I'm think i'm gonna go pray now, or worship,..i need more of both of those things in my life right now.

Challenge

2008-09-01T11:39:00.000-07:00

I miss challenge, i miss pushing my self. I don't know my limits these days because it's been so long since i've reached them, my physical limits and my emotional, i need to go hiking again. I freaking hiked 26 miles when i was not quite 16. 3 years later, i can't walk 2 miles, i don't know if i can do more than 20 sit ups or pushups, and i haven't had to prove myself to anyone. Well, now i have to prove myself to myself. I will not get lax just because i'm not being made to do shit. Also, i did get challenged-ish this weekend, reguarding my...commitment to my possition at the shack.
In the most christian way possible to say this, I'm going to meet that challenge.
We have a concentration in community service, we're helping other churches in columbia. I'm excited about this, because i believe that before we can really make an impact as a Christian body in Columbia, we have to be one. We cannot act as the body of Christ when we don't know eachother and don't know how to interact when the other parts of that body.
I'm also going to get some weights, so i think i might start pushing my physical limits too, that along with walking and jogging and eventually running, might get me in some sort of shape.
This is my promise to myself. Because i dont' have many people doubting me, i don't have to show them up, now I have people believeing in me, so i have to live up to what they expect. I'm more than ready for that.

123realifeomgz

2008-08-28T14:17:00.000-07:00

monday: Realizations about a friendship of mine, contact made with Daybreak CPC, Council Meeting, Guys Group (hour and a half on 2 verses and prayer).
tuesday: Wake up 5:30 AM, Great day at work, Meet my new bff justin white, Maybe he'll come to Shack, Go home, Go to Cola, Meet with Daybreak Ladies and Becky, House church (freaking amazing, i missed it sooo much.
Wednesday: wake up, not so good day at work, go home, chill, paint room (looks amazing cant wait for it)
Thursday: wake up after 5 hours of non-rest, Great day at work, see best friend, go home, see other bestfriend, go to lunch-she gets her hair cut, come home sleep, shower, present time.
It's been a hell of a week, but i've felt so good and accomplished. I like my life right now, i'm stressed to my limits, but i know i'll get through.

I have a lot to pray about, pray with me?
Shack-Direction leadership sponser
Wired Bean-that i can wake up and take pride in my job and have a good work ethic
Friends-The Devil and The Lion guys and getting there lives in order, Friends relationships/hearts/walks with God, Missing my friends that have moved away.
Me-Stress, Constitution, Focus, Becomeing a Man of God.
Thanks.

Late nights, tattoos, and good rides.

2008-08-21T23:30:00.000-07:00

My bestfriend and I both aproach our religion in different ways, and i didn't really get that until tonight. I guess I just kind of assumed that since we are so close and so much alike and we came into our faith majorly together, that we'd woship and believe the same way. But we don't. And it's really not that important for us too, she believes and worships the same God as me, but she just doesn't do those things the same way as i do, and i can deffinitely accept that. I guess i'm more "spiritual" by that i mean more charismatic than her, not that i'm very charismatic at all, haha. And she's a good bit more literal than i am about my faith, and it's good, b/c she tends to grasp concepts of theology a lot faster and completely than i do. it's a good balance. I love her and all that she is and i'm so glad that i have her and her ways to balance mine out.
Also! God loves republicans. And by that i mean He loves republican senetors and corporate CEOs and jerk-wad cops in Lexington County as much as He loves prostitutes and the homeless and drug addicts and homosexuals. What i really mean by this is, that today i figured out that I should love these people as much as the other. And should be trying just as hard to reach out and help them and rescue them, with an honest smile on my face and joy in my heart.
In one day i realized two faults in my Faith and plan to fix both of them. I Serve a loving and time efficient God.

Are you still considered a slave if you volenteer for it?

2008-08-18T08:07:00.000-07:00

A lot has happened this past weekend.
My brother offically doesn't live in my house, or this state anymore. He lives in savannah with his wife and their cat, Doc, and their really great appartment. I'm sad that i'm basically only gonna see him once a month for a while, but i mean, i guess that's what growing up is like. I'm more worried about my mom and how she's gonna deal with it. I think she'll pull through fine, but there are bound to be some hard spots.
And then Shack last night...SO amazing. Laura did an amazing job on worship and i'm excited to see her grow and progress in her role as Worship Leader at the Shack. I love my church, so much, and i love all of the people in it. They're astounding and the reason i get throught my life. I've grown there so much and i'm still growing. I get what i need from that church like i never have before.
I was really inspired by what was taught on last night, and i really do intend to help more in my community. It's kind of my job now. I have faith that God will guide me and help me with this too. I'm excited, are you?

fall is being ushered in

2008-08-14T20:07:00.000-07:00

Autumn comes in the form of the first night where it is below 70 degrees when i'm driving home from work.
It made me smile. I feel like i should have been more gracious of the sumer, i should have praised God for it, but i was never in the mood? it was just hot and i was usually bothered about somthing. But now fall brings with it a great year.
I decided tonight to stop being bitter about this summer not being like last summer. I was blessed to have last summer and i was blessed this summer, just in different ways.
I got real upset tonight, and but then hayley and I took a second, and we realized that we'd had a really good night and just started enjoying each other's company. She once again was there when i needed her. She's never really failed me with that. It's gonna be hard with her leaving, but we'll be fine, we have phones and such. I'll still be able to call when i need a level head.
I'm letting the past be just that, and looking toward a great year ahead of me, and just enjoying my present. So, speaking of that, i'm gonna go on her dock and smoke with her.
God, thank you. for her, for this, for summer, for fall.

And here we go again.

2008-08-13T08:07:00.000-07:00

I had another dream involving boys.
I was at a camp, and I met two guys...TWO of them,...really? blew one off, and chased after the other one, we got to know eachother, i ended up helping him through somthing, and in my dream i thought he was solidly in to guys, then i find out that he's just starting to figure this stuff out...
Did you know God could kick you in the face in your dreams...b/c He can and He did. I felt like crap, i could have been a testimony to this guy, i could have helped him, explained to him what this was,.....and i screwed that up.
I wont, i can't do this in real life. If this scene ever pops up in real life, i hope, i pray that i'll never be so selfish. I hate that i have these dreams, it's really not fair. But maybe one day they'll stop? or at the very least i'll have the will power during the day to keep me safe at night?

But i can't live in the future, i can't wait for that life to start. I have to make it start, i have to live now, and make it the best now i can. Because Now is going to determine my future.

Living is the hard part.

2008-08-11T10:59:00.000-07:00

I feel like if i was character in Blue Like Jazz, i would be Andrew the protester. I'm not nearly as rediculous as him, but i have said many of the things that he says in that book...on my own. the one i agree most with is that dying for God is easy. Of course i'd die for God, getting shot because i believe in Him or refuse to not worship Him would not be the hardest part. Absolutely no offence to those who have died for God, i respect those people greatly, b/c that kind of faith is somthing to be respected. But for me personally, It's LIVING for God that is causing me problems, and is hard and is not as easy to follow through on. When you're 15 and wear some stupid t-shirt that claims that you would die for God because He died for you, that's practically non-commital. I mean, how many chances in your life are you really gonna have to decide if you're going to die for Him. I feel like this sounds harsher than i mean it to,....i simply mean to say that i am not called to die for Him, but to Live and Love for Him, and that's HARD, and i need help with it. I need accountability and guidance and a mentor and a firm churchfamily/supportgroup/suckychristiansanonymousgroup. and i have the last one, it's called the Shack....you should check it out.

Blue Like Jazz

2008-08-09T14:03:00.000-07:00

So, i've been reading blue like jazz here and there and never really more than two days in a row and really only at work, so last night i went to the wired bean while i wasn't working and read and really comprehended what Donald Miller was saying. Oouch. It left me wanting to Love God and to accept His Love and Grace and to be Obedient, and to really commit my life to Him, and i realized after that, that i thought i'd already done all those things. And i've Loved God for a while, but letting Him love ME was a different story. It's always been hard for me to let people Love me, because honestly it didn't happen to me outside of my own immediate family until i was about 13. I didn't really get freinds until then, i didn't want them, i didn't want anything to do with anyone really. So letting God love me is not an easy thing for me to do, but i'm working on it, i'm allowing Him to have Grace with me and Forgive me, while asking Him to help me do the same to myself.
Having the desire to commit my life to God did not neccessarily mean i did......Ps, that's like getting married and after four or five years you've realized that you had the intentions of being commited, but didn't ever really....... So i'm changing that too. If i'm going to serve my church and my community and my family and my work place, i need to be commited to and in love with God. that is, if i want to do it correctly and from all the right places..which i do.
Also, i need to look more into/pay attention to social justice, or lack there of in our world. I haven't decided if this is just because my church/some of my bestfriends are quite concerned with it, or if it's just somthing i feel the need to do. But either way, i feel that it's important to me to know at least a little bit of what's going on in the world outside of Columbia.
i feel like bubbles of my myself are rising to the surface.....like eventually i'll actually be me, the me that has a heart lined up with God's.

SHAAAAACK

2008-08-08T09:58:00.000-07:00

Shack council meeting was last night. amazing. I'm really excited about this year, and what's gonna be done with The Shack. I pray that we do get a good bit of new comers, i'm also a little nervous about having these responsibilities, but i'm also glad to have time. i'm glad to be really serving the Shack. We also need a freshmen housechurch and i really really really want that to be started up, b/c Rio helped me in an amazing amout of ways last year.
We'll see.
This is going to be a good year.
Funny that this "year" is starting in the fall, haha school really screws your schedule up.

I'm dealing with some pride, but in small personal ways, and it's kind of leading into judgment issues which i really don't want to have. So i just need some help with that.
I'm doing better in gerneral though. i'm glad to have a schedule to my life again. It gets frustrating, but it helps me be productive and i'm bad at making one myself.

so.

2008-07-31T06:47:00.000-07:00

So, i should have listened.
i should have listened to God and to my Bestfriend.
I didn't wanna do this, i didn't want for this to happen, but something like it would have happened eventually, b/c i just couldn't...not as much.
Why can't i want a serious relationship, how can't i be ready? why couldn't i like her as much as she liked me?
This was stuipd and unnecessary, and if it is how i feel, so it isn't petty, it still feels like i behaved like someone much younger than i'd like to appear to be.
How could i ask the questions and not listen to the answer, want guidance and then refuse it b/c it wasn't what i wanted.
I wanted this, i really really wanted this, there is no reason for me not to. There's also no reason for me to not be ready for it, b/c i wanted it that much. but i'm not, and there are parts of my life i can't neglect b/c of somthing i want.
I'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry.

Hah.

2008-07-30T23:49:00.000-07:00

I'm a douche bag who has childish tendencies.
more on this later.

2008-07-28T23:05:00.000-07:00

i'll never think of menthe the same again.
or pecks on the cheek.
I'll never forget,
and you held my hands.

I was so nervous, but God calmed me down...i think He approves? but that might be pompous of me to assume, so we'll just hope for the best. It was better than i expected, and my mind is crazy and has a rediculous imagination.

this is so new to me....i'm so scared that i'm gonna screw it up.....God is my wingman? is that heresy? i'll ask dan.
Lunch with Bob and Caitlin tomorrow!!..and maybe crazy Chris?

Dear Internet

2008-07-24T07:42:00.001-07:00

Life is SO good.
Also, i'm not going to school next semester. That sucks, and my mother has decided to halfway ground me? i have a cerfew and a time to get up... but ya know? i'm really okay with this.
August 15 is going to be the best day ever, b/c that's the day that my brother starts to have a real adult life at the age of 22 and that's when a bunch of wonderful girls move into an appartment on Pickens Street.
Hopefully i'll get enough hours at the bean that i wont need to get another job, b/c really, i don't know when i'd have time to.
BoomgoLife!.....it happens.

It's all gonna be alright.

2008-07-18T09:20:00.000-07:00

So, i'm sitting at work, listening to the new coldplay, and my day is offically amazing.
I'm stressin about school, trying to decide if I should go back this semester or just do spring and summer, so please whoever reads this, pray that i get some direction in that, to quote a friend "Gideon-like" signs would be appreciated.
I'm trying really really hard to have my heart align with God's. Maybe i'm being a little ambitious about this, but i really just can't continue wanting the things that I am, b/c i feel like i'm breaking His heart everytime. I need to want what He wants for me. I'm going about this, by praying a lot, reading my bible, and trying to just focus my life on Him and living in the ways that He told me to. Wish me luck.
God, i ask that you give me wisdom and the strength to follow through with the decisions you want me to make. Please shut the doors that are not of your path, and open the ones that I'm suppose to walk through.
I'm so on my game today also, i've been really sociable with coustomers, it's fun!

It's not too late, but it might be soon.

2008-07-16T23:52:00.000-07:00

Some one can only hurt you so much before you quit. we can only take so much, I can forgive until i die, but forgiving does not mean throwing myself under a proverbial bus of hurtful comments and actions that no one ever takes resposibity for.
You eventually need to hear an appology, or at the very least, some sort of somthing that lets you know they care about how you feel or that you are a priority at all in their life.

Lord, please give me grace, wisdom, and strength to do your will and act how you would have.

if dorian gray could sing...

2008-07-13T01:26:00.000-07:00

Write your rhyming verse,
And your catchy chours,
Think of some witty bridge,
and sing your song to them.

Are you satisfied?
Singing hollow words
To a deaf and dumb crowd?

You make it seem so easy
How you gracefully ingore
Your blessings and your gifts
And always ask for more.

You glorify yourself,
And every pretty girl.

So go and sing your song
Let arogance prevail.
Lets hope your aryan beliefs
Don't sing you straight to hell.

Coffee

2008-07-08T12:47:00.000-07:00

i need it.
i'm good on caffine, i want coffee though.
i want that bitter taste im my mouth, i want to drink cups full of black kenyan AA coffee.

don't let them see you cry....

2008-07-07T23:06:00.000-07:00

I feel like today has lasted for a life time. i've been drugged up, disapointed, patronized, uplifted, put down, self-depricating, joyful, and given the cold shoulder all in a 20 hour period.

I'm worried about my bestfriend, i know she'll always be there for me, but will she always let me be there for her? b/c to me, the latter is much more important.
i'm tired and can't sleep
i haven't had a real conversation in atleast two days. i feel like God is so disapointed in me, i might just die from this conviction.
I figured out that i 'm emotionally/mentally ready for a relationship, but not spiritually.
My heart isn't in the right place. It's with God, as always, but our desires aren't matching up, and i don't know how to make that happen.
i'm lonely...it's been so long since i've been truly lonely, but i feel like even God isn't willing to listen to me. Everyone i talk to just says "you'll be on your way home saturday, that's not very far" but to me, it's 5 more days without my friends, it's 5 more days before i'm back in my comfort zone....i wrote saturday in my journal that i wouldn't let my desire to work for the Kingdom be deminished just because i was taken out of that zone, but i can't keep with that. I feel dry, i feel lost, and i feel like i'm alone. i just wanna be home.
I'm so not ready...this is a simple challenge, but it's one i'm failing at. I need help, i need encouragement, but neither of those are likely to come. i just want someone my age-ish, who loves God and is in love with God, to talk to face to face.
this is my fault, i need to fix it, i need to get right with Him.
I'm weak, i'm breaking. God help me.
i'll make it, it's really not that bad, others have it much worse. difference is not bad, loneliness wont crush me, i'll be okay. despite the lack of help or support, or even conversation. I have God, time to let Him have me.

once again.

2008-07-05T11:45:00.000-07:00

I'm searching for a friend for the end of the world.
and i pray for her on a regular basis now, or i'm starting to atleast.
but i'm hung up, i'm afraid, not of getting hurt, but of hurting someone else. i can deal with my own pain, i can stand on my own in a storm of rejection, but i can't breath in the presence of someone else hurting because of me. and i mean, really, because of me, a decision I made, something I said. I can't hurt people, and it scares me to.
also can't even think about having anything serious right now, but i'm not suppose to date unless it's for marrige right? i'm just wasting my time otherwise...so i've been told at least. i don't know how to deal with all of this. Is it worth the pain? Is that 7 months, that 16 weeks, that year, worth the pain when it ends? as for my experiences with it, no, but then again, i was in really bad circumstances then. will it be different with a girl?
am i right to be scared? will this fear cause me to be alone forever? i'm already asking a lot of her, to accept me and my past, is it fair to ask her to break through my fear too, when she probably has her own also?
Do you ever feel good enough for the person you love?
so many questions...and no one to ask..
Guess i'll turn to God with them,...it'd be nice if He sent me someone though, i'll pray for that too.
*-.~._+.~*_-`-~*
So, i prayed, and i'm better.
still scared, still need someone to mentor me, but i'm better, at least, i feel better about said things. I'm alone in my cousins' house, and i just started worshiping and it was amazing and intense, and then i spilled something so i cleaned it up, and then i prayed, and it was amazing and intense and so deeply satisfying i feel like i'll never have to drink or eat again. I feel so content. My life is really in all actuality His life, and His life is never gonna go wrong so i have nothing to worry about and everything is gonna be peachy and golden and beautiful and yellow.
God is good.

Simpler

2008-07-02T12:29:00.000-07:00

i've decided that i want to live a simpler life, i'd like to live a much simpler life when i move out b/c i can't really do this while i'm here.
to help me with this i made a list of things that i don't want when i move into my own place.
maybe this can help you too.
*TV
*Microwave
*More than one computer
*Phone line
*Coffee maker (i'd rather have a french press)
*Digital clocks (anywhere, at all, in any house i live in. i will never foreget how to read a analog clock again)
*Dish set for more than five people
*Any mirrors outside of my bathroom
*Blender (cocktails are better dry!, kidding...sorta)
Feel free to ad anything to this list that you can think of that i don't need to live.
I think i'm gonna break down and read irresistable revolution, Shane Claiborne's book, too. I think it might give me more ideas and help motivate me for this some more.

if i was a Venters.

2008-06-30T19:22:00.000-07:00

If i could write songs, i'd write you one to tell you how much you mean to all of us and about how you've made this bed and you've dug this grave. It'd talk about how you could have helped all of this, could have hurt a lot less people. I'd sing lines about forgivness and grace and about how you eventually do have to realize that your life isn't that bad. that you have a great family and an amazing little brother who looks up to you, and you live in a great town in a house with a pool, your parents understand you and i might also mention that you have a running car and how that puts you in the top 8 percent of the world.
i would probably call it Ignoring Blessings.
it would most likely be in a minor key. a harmonica would be used, and i'd end with some line about how i wish you wouldn't try so hard to push us away, because pulling you back is getting really hard.

consider this my EP.

2008-06-29T22:05:00.000-07:00

dear Friend
You come around this town
You call home
Say you'd move here if you could
And i never doubt that you would
But can i ask this small favor?
Just leave us alone.

You bring out the worst in us
You encourage our stupidity
And we all enable your
Self-imposed celebrity.

You say you hate rligion
But worship instead
The gods of pride and sex
That are all in your head.

Indulgences with out penance
Has split the church once,
It'll split this family just the same.

a cry a plea a scream

2008-06-23T23:45:00.000-07:00

God help us.
Our hearts are breaking and burning for You just as our lungs burn for the oxygen we deprive them of with our cigarettes. Our souls are crying out, we need you to bare our loads, b/c our shoulders are so small and so weak. and we are failing to sharpen eachother, but we're trying, and getting better all the time, but i feel like we are so much more eachothers cigarette, depriving the other of You, even though You are what we really crave and what we need to breath and what our brain needs to function without agitation. You are what is missing and You are the one who we need to be our Hero and our Saviour. We try to carry eachother on our own and we keep on droping one another, and eventually we're all just gonna break because of our pride.
We need to be Torches Together and we need to be eachothers iron, and You, God are the only one who can make this happen. So this i give to You. Help us and Guide us and give us strength and wisdom and just carry us on Your shoulders. This burden is too much, please God, just take it away.
this i pray with faith.

ow

2008-06-22T22:38:00.000-07:00

1 Verse
My heart crumbling
Pieces everywhere
My view of selflessness changed.

Romans 9:3.

Read it.
Imagine it, feel your heart break.
Re-evaluate your self and how much you care.

Shack was great tonight.
MidTown was amazing, but i think it's too big for me. I like my organic worship and discussions.

Wub wub wub to my friends.
<3

Lord you see my cavities.

2008-06-20T23:56:00.000-07:00

You know my valleys and my weaknesses and You guide me and hold me up and carry me through all of it.
I almost went clubing tonight..bad idea for me, i instead had to work and working made me at the old mill where a friend needed me, and working also had a friend stop by who helped my other friend also. This all resulted in me and friend #2 going to columbia for awesome conversation and hookah. I also might buy a hookah..woot.
God, You love and carry me and all you ask me to do is to Love, to Serve, and to Obey. I'll try my best.
<3
wub wub wub to You.

Man of God

2008-06-18T15:46:00.000-07:00

I'm still trying to figure out how to do this, how to become a Man of God.
I've made progress, but it's been slow, which is good. I have a new mantra of sorts, and it's helped. Love, Serve, Obey. Love God and my fellow people, Serve God and serve Him by serving others, and Obey what God has commanded. Sounds pretty simple right....and it's actually not that bad. i mean, it's not easy, but life isn't easy. So anyways, this new outlook is helping me.
God will never stop delivering for me. I don't even know if i have been asking for help, but i've been getting it, so i'm really glad.
I have also decided that i'm going to get a lot more serious about my commitments to God. Going through a week with younger kids to keep me accountable taught me a lot. Like how i have to repress saying "that's what she said" far more than i should, i mean, can i really not have a conversation without my mind reverting to sex....even during the first and maybe the second chaple services i had to keep myself in major check with that crap. So i'm working on clearing up my heart and my mind in hopes of becoming a better Man of God. I WILL be one of the guys who makes my friends that i girls highten their standards. I want to beable to lead younger kids with a good and clean heart, and give them something to help them realize you can be Clean and Good and still have fun.
Lord, Father of all, please help me in this, help me become a better child to You and a better image to them.

Love Serve Obey

That's Love

2008-06-16T10:40:00.000-07:00

I've been on my knees for you,
In the night i weep with you,
I pray that He will comfort you,
Through the valley carry you.

I don't miss everything as much, i'm getting over my post-camp depression.
But i'm still very concerned about my guys. I'm still praying for them a lot. which is good.
I really hope that they're doin well and will contact me if they need help.
Well, off to work.
<3

Heart of a Champion

2008-06-14T21:19:00.000-07:00

Theme of one of the most blessed weeks of my life.

And i miss it terribly. I miss it so much but it's not a painful or bitter or sad missing, it's just...

i miss my kids, and the guys in my cabin, and serving and waking up at 1:30 to wake up a 13 yr old type one diabetic and having awesome conversations then and then going to sleep in my uncomfortable bed hot and sticky and humid and feeling like i had served and accomplished and sleeping better than ever b/c of that. I miss sitting in the middle of the floor at 12 o'clock and praying for God to protect my cabin and the whole camp and to wisper in their ears and guide and protect them in their sleep and dreams. I miss all of it.

I want my whole life to be like that, to be concerned for kids that are not my own but at the same time, are. I want to minister to kids and i want to teach them about our God and about serving and about living and being children of God and men and women of God.

I think I want to be a youth minister....This complicates things, but it's okay. b/c it's a direction...and one i've now had a little bit of insight in to, and i'm not scared of it anymore. I hunger for it.

To my future Wife,

I have been re-affirmed of your existence, i know God will give us to eachother, i've started praying for you now.

I know we'll meet, and you wont be the girl i can have a 5 hour conversation with (b/c i can do that with a lot of people) but because we can sit there for 5 hours and not have to talk. You'll share my appriciation for simplicity and you'll help me in my fight against materialism and complexity. You'll pray for me as i will you and you'll pray with me, and i hope and pray that God takes care of you and makes you're way blessed and sends you angels to guard you. I Love You, and I trust in God that He will protect you.

Love,

Denton

savannah, GA

2008-05-31T04:54:00.000-07:00

So i'm here, for my brother's fiance's graduation...i'm really glad for her, and proud b/c a degree from here is not easily attained, and most of her classes were like 4 hours long due to her major...
but i kinda wish that i was at home. I love it here, and glad that i am here, but i miss home and i missed alys' bonfire yesterday, and am missing russell's party tonight. But it's fine.

I'm going to Camp edisto in a week.....and this is how i feel about it-ajdklf jkbjadhfbk cbjhaoidjgvb hfdbijdsvhn oi d ijsdghdgj dgksd d kds dh gdd dsj hkjdshg.
now, to put that in to somthing you can understand....i'm scared, excited, willing, fighting it, loving it, hating my reluctance, trusting God, and ignoring myself....
blogging is how i cope....you think i kid...
Can I lead kids in Christ?...will i have to...prob....but will it be all the time 24/7 while i'm there..no it wont...it's going to be fun and being stupid and acting older than these kids when we all know that we're really just too big for the ages in our hearts...i'm about 15, lou's about 10, and i don't know who else is going...i actually don't even know if lou is going....ah, why do i have to do everything the drasticly different and new way.....why don't i ever know anything about what i'm doing?

Lord above all, i trust You in this, help me Die to myself, and allow me to live the life You have for me....Please Please just let me love these kids and this camp and do what You would. I love You.

Some things i want....

2008-05-27T07:08:00.000-07:00

1. To hang out with my bestfriend.
2. To drive to NOLA and hang with Tony.
3. To have saturday's off from work.
4. To go to the All Get Out show tomorrow.
5. To see Prince Caspian, b/c i love the book so far.
6. To hang out with shackers again.
7. To have Shack again.
8. To see Garret Curry and talk with him again.
9. To have better control over my bad habits.
10. To have the discipline to spend more time with my loving Father.

Oh, God, my God, where exactly have I been?

2008-05-20T08:58:00.000-07:00

I feel like i've had a really good summer so far, but i think that's also because i've blocked myself off from what i need to see/feel. i think i've guarded my self because if i had actually been feeling and seeing what was actually going on in the past two or three months, i would have killed myself. Working so much and arguing with parents and going to school and having a lot of friends go through a lot of stuff, it was just too much and i didn't think i could handle it..
well that's crap and i could handle it and to an extent i did, i just pretended it wasn't as bad as it actually was, and now i feel like i didn't/haven't noticed what exactly my bestfriend and one of my other bestfriends and another really good guy friend of mine were going through and now it's kind of hit me in the face.
But i'm back..from outerspace??? (
no but srsly, i'm going to start being a real person again now.
and i just found out that my bestfriend wont be working at the bean and that sucks a whole lot. I feel like she should get dibs on a job there.
I also need to appoligize to her because a while ago she recomended every man's battle to me and i was like "Raahhh, i can't do that right now it's too difficult." when she's reading every woman's battle right now, i feel like i should be going through this with her? i dont' know if that's valid or if it's even healthy, but frankly, it's all i need, so i'm going to go get the book soon.
i'm also trying to get back into art..again...i feel like my artistic side needs to be exercised...
speaking of that, my body does as well, so i'm going to go do that.
:)

comeing and going, living and loving.

2008-05-16T20:27:00.000-07:00

God, just let us make it through our losses and see You in our brokeness.

1 friend moved to NoLa, story of my life: get close to amazing person, wish i'd known said person longer..then they move away. Happened with erin, happend with tony, is gonna happen with lou-carol-bob......but i'll not ruin what i have with these people with bitterness. i love them each dearly, and will cherish the time i've had/will have with them. God has given and He will take away, but not before i'm ready....I trust in this.

2 friends going through a hard time right now: I love them both, and know that with time and prayer they will come out on top and be okay and be safe. I just have to wait and have wisdom for them when it's needed..and that is up to God... They both mean so much to me, independently and together....God has them...i trust in this too

2 girls coming back: they are two of the most amazing girls i've ever known and will ever know. They are strong and wonderful and so beautiful and will be women of God someday again...He will call them back into His arms.....i, also, trust in this.

1 boy who i struggle with: and thankfully is stronger than i am...I love him, and really really want to be his big brother....i just need to stop wanting to kiss him....because that helps no one...and i'll have strength...i've gone over a year....and i will go many many more....God is more important than my flesh and even my heart...if it breaks a hundred times because if this..it's fine, because i know He'll make it swell 100 times what ever it breaks. He fufills me......i trust and love in this.

1 group of guys: they are the most amazing kids ever...and they will keep me in line...they respect me..i can tell....and that means more than they'll ever know......i'm growing to love them immensly. God will cultivate these relationships...i trust in this more than ever now.

good.

2008-05-01T03:49:00.000-07:00

So, there's God....and He, He is good.
Just, so so good.
We pray to Him, and He answers, we cry to Him, and He listens. He loves in a way that makes my heat ache to think about it. He makes it worth it...He makes us strong.
He is the Love of my existence. All three of Him. he he he
::sigh::
The Lord is Good...it would do us all well to remember that.
;)

Make a joyful noise to the Lord of all the earth!

2008-04-25T19:05:00.000-07:00

My goal this weekend in savannah is to pray. as much as i can. and hope that it helps me and everyone around me. Praying makes me feel like i'm doing somthing....i like it. I like the communication between me and God also...ahem..excuse me..God and I.
This week i spent a lot of time with people i love. it was a blessing and the only reason i got through this week.
Sunday night was amazing. I actually got to finally hang out with some of the Shack guys. It really helped me to do that also...this could be the start of a beautiful thing...i mean..masculine thing.....
Monday it was Asia's birthday, and she only thought like four or five of us were going to show up at the bean and me and madison invited EVERYONE. it ended up like 25 people showed up. how amazing.
Wed. night i met up with stephanie and that was really good to see her again, and then tuesday and wednesday night i got to see megan and cass and josh and they really lifted my spirits. like they always do.
When i think about all this, and that i'm leaving a lot of this week out....i'm so overwhelmed with the people that love me and that i love in return.
So, Thank God for me in your prayers...and i'll be doing it a lot too.
Also, please pray for my prayer, b/c i want to really go through this life praying...it's the best way i can help.

Go out and make a joyful noise...be a fragrance to our Lord.

If you attack me when i'm sleeping, i can't fight back.

2008-04-16T06:13:00.000-07:00

and you know..that's not fair at all.

When am i going to stop having dreams about him. He was in my mind before he was in my life, I had dreams about him before i met him....It's not fair. These are the best dreams, and they are the ones that make me sick when i wake up. The most beautiful nightmares i'll ever have. Lord, God, Father...help, i realize that it is because of my own disobedience that this happens, but i need help. It scares me that this can happen at a time when i can't fight back,...i can't even pray. I fall asleep feeling protected and wake up feeling wounded in batte. It screws with my head..all morning i keep going back to that dream...and it breaks my heart....it breaks my heart everytime. but it's a heart filled with desires that aren't His.

I need an out...i need a big red flashing EXIT sign.

and yeah...it was in the rain...so, so not fair.